is late.......listening to this lovely song.........looking at the monitor and the walls....I ask myself.....what kind of feeling is that??.......hardly can be described........Sometimes i wonder......wonder whether the decision that I had made is right........I ask myself....what am I really looking for actually????........what kind of life I want???am i really happy with the current situation????the answer is....i dunno....and....i really dunno......

somebody told me ..... you have chosen it....so you can't blame on anyone else......and you have to bear it.........deserve it.........stunned........i was stunned.....really stunned at that moment.....awake from the sweet dreams.........and I have to face the reality.......the facts.......yes.....he's right some how........i have chose it....so i have to bear it no matter what..........deserve to stay far away from home....far away from my beloved one......gave up everything as to fullfill this task........but.....who will actually understand me beside myself... ...... i really wonder......it might be you......who knows..............guess nobody will actually know how i feel.....how i stand.........since the day i had to stand by myself.........support myself......

being so lost for past few months  ........never being so miserable before....the feeling was really sucks.........break down......collapsed......nobody knows........hardly came accross...........wonder why i can be like that.....where is the tough gal ???.....i kept looking for answer.......being tough, being strong and being independent......are always suppose belong to me....always thought that i am tough enough to take any situation....strong enough to encounter any obstacles......but guess...this time...it really turn me down.....the whole world is grey in color......where are all my colors........eveyrthing happened unexpectedly......and this time....i had really lost to the facts......

but well....thanks god....i found back my soul at least.......no longer being so miserable......awake........taking a deep breath in front of the sea that day.........walk along the sea......the unhappiness in my mind had gone with the wind when i was walking on the beach.........never feel so relief before.........it's time........ i told mysellf..............no more sad thing.....no more crying.......since then.............i am alive again.........